Sorry, it has been almost a week since I last wrote (6 days to be exact, I know; I’m still a slacker). Things have been a little crazy, to say the least. These six days have felt like a roller coaster emotionally. I think I need to re-read a book because I need to learn to stabilize my emotions a lot quicker than I do. The book is Feelings and Faith: Cultivating Godly Emotions in the Christian Life. It’s by Brian Borgman. Sometimes, a review is necessary. Either that or I need to finish reading Switch on Your Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf. Either one, I think, would be helpful.
On a good note, I celebrated my birthday recently and had a great time. My family and friends made me feel so valued and loved. I am telling you when you are facing the brick wall of trying to gain sustainable employment you NEED that support to survive. I also got an amazing call from my mentor last night for my part-time job. It was the best call I could have gotten given the day I had. He told me that he sees potential in me and that he is not the only one. In the last two weeks, I have been told by a few people that I need to learn to “believe in myself.” This “believing in myself” is hard for me to do. Many times, for multiple reasons, I don’t even think I have the right to exist. So, the idea that I can add any value to the lives of others or society, in general, is a hard concept for me to grasp and accept. While I struggle to accept it, for now, I will just try and remember that God is in control, that he has pulled me out of the dark places (2 Sam. 22:20) and that He has a future and a plan for me (Jer. 29:11). Even if I am facing a type of exile right now, God has a plan for me, and I can believe that.
In a post or two ago, I mentioned how I was encouraged to bring a personal situation to one of the executive staff where I work. You remember how I stated that this went against all my training and instinct. Well, I have to say, I am sticking with my instinct from now on. I found out yesterday that my position is a “charity” position and I need to be happy with where I am and what I get paid. (Talk about feeling devalued). Knowing this, makes me want to push even more to get out of here. Personal and business don’t mix, ever. Don’t ever blur that line. Huge mistake.
After yesterday, I thought of quitting my job. I thought I could go back on benefits, not have to fight with SSA anymore, have free healthcare again and be able to focus on finding a full-time job that would give me a sustainable income. But, for some reason, on my way home I thought of my grandparents. They started an R.V. business here and did well. They traveled all over the world, were able to retire well and leave money to their children when they passed away. They started their business by renting two tents. The income, in the beginning, was not much; they had four children to support. They had to have moments when giving up seemed like the easy thing to do. They didn’t. They kept going. They succeeded.
I will keep going too. I will keep a professional demeanor at my current job while working hard to find a new position. Recently I filled out the paperwork for my state’s civil service hiring program for people with disabilities. I also sent back the paperwork to my Access-VR counselor for my driving lessons so they should start the lessons soon. Here is to believing in something and not giving up…