The last week or so has been difficult. I know that I just moved, so some of it was exacerbated by the eustress of the necessary change brought on by the move, but I was becoming so frustrated and disappointed. I have had many days where I am in pain. I know this “problem of pain” is typical for this season of the year for me. But, I want to have the energy and strength to do so much more than I am. I felt bad because, after a conversation with my mentor, I went to sleep around 7:30 PM. (Although, this didn’t do much to benefit me, as I was awake by 2:30 AM and couldn’t fall back asleep.) I feel so lazy when I do things like that. Sometimes the fact that I am exhausted, in pain and can’t do as much as I have set in my mind to do leads me to start to head down the road of depression. I was starting to walk down that path. This made me even more frustrated, given I have so many good things going on in my life.
Then, to top it all off, my mentor for Melaleuca called. I haven’t done anything with Melaleuca in a while. I have been annoyed, frustrated and disappointed with myself. I only said to him last night, “I’m a slacker, I haven’t done anything. Hate me yet?” I was tired and didn’t want to push my brain or body any further yesterday. My mentor in the most graceful way possible tried to help me figure out what was causing a blockade for me moving forward. We talked for a little bit. I finally admitted my blockade, and then I got further depressed. He thankfully didn’t let me wallow in that with him for long. He moved on to a call with another business builder.
I read the below post from The Seeds for Life this morning; very helpful in not setting myself up for further disappointment.
As for the blockade; I’m still trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. The worst part is that I have tried living to please this person for much of my life and I have failed time and time again. This morning when I couldn’t sleep, I just sat at my kitchen table and begged God to help me focus on what He wanted me to do. While writing in my journal, it became clear to me that I was still so tied up in meet some person’s impossible expectations; expectations I don’t even care for. This person’s expectations exist only exist so that they can boast about my accomplishments so that they can take credit and look good to others. In Jerimiah 9 God says;
23 Thus says the Lord, “Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; 24 but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice, and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the Lord.(NASB)
I am going to live according to the path that God has for me, not the impossible expectations of another person who I will never please anyway. At least, in Christ, I know God is always satisfied with me–even loves me.