As you know from my last post things, have not been going well at work. I am afraid they have not much improved; they have even gotten worse. I am doing the best I can, but I know they don’t want me here. That knowledge makes coming to work extremely anxiety provoking. I have had jobs in the past and long as I felt like I was working towards the mission of the agency/organization/corporation and like I was contributing to society in general; wherever I worked had my complete loyalty and work ethic. This is the first time ever I have felt like I am not doing anything of value. Beyond that, I feel like I am not wanted here. At first, that realization that I was not wanted or appreciated at my job hurt me and then I became so angry.
Sometimes, throughout the day, that hurt and anger come flowing back to the surface. I have started to institute a practice of daily gratitude. I have done this in the past, but for the last six days I have been extraordinarily intentional about establishing this practice snapping quick pictures with my phone and posting the things I am most grateful for in my facebook status; with the collage of photos, I snapped throughout the day. One of my most recent snapped pictures is of Jesse, a cat I rescued from a local cat and dog rescue. She is finally getting used to me, so we were playing today during my lunch break. (Yes, since I live a block or so from my current job; I have decided I am going home for lunch from now on.) I actually felt my anxiety level drop as I played and laughed at Jesse acting all crazy chasing a ribbon!
I filled out two applications yesterday on my day off, I am just going to keep going until God opens a window. I am done staring at this closed door. I am also going to reach out to the connections I have. God did not have me meet so many people in so many amazing places for nothing.